Caring Neighbors

(Neighbors in Kathmandu helping with home construction)

Pawan Mishra once said, “Good neighbors always spy on you to make sure you are doing well.”  In America, many of us have lost that neighborly care and concern, but it is still alive and well in other cultures.

A humorous perspective on this comes from a Ukrainian American friend in Chicago who lived in the Ukrainian Village neighborhood all her life – where every neighbor knew everyone else and kept tabs on them; something she found a bit irritating.  When she was in her 30s, she had purchased a live tree for Christmas one year, but got preoccupied with holiday events and a new boyfriend she was seeing.  Christmas came and went, New Year’s came and went, the Epiphany came and went, and one day in March, she realized that the dead tree really needed to go.  But her neighbors were nosey – a bunch of older Ukrainian ladies who gossiped like “The Real Housewives of Kiev.”  So she borrowed a handsaw and headed up to her apartment to dismember her tree.  She packed the various sawed-off limbs in black garbage bags along with her regular trash and skulked down the three flights of her greystone every couple of nights for a week until all of the garbage bags had been placed into several different dumpsters.

Though this is a bit of an extreme example of neighborly concern, it illustrates something that many of us no longer worry about too much – our neighbors.  Unless you move into a relatively small, tight-knit community development, you likely won’t receive a basket of muffins or a bottle of wine from those who wish to welcome you, or expect to borrow a cup of sugar from them when you are baking.  It is becoming less common to know our neighbors beyond a friendly wave across the yard.

Maybe because of this change in our own society, many people are more critical of South Koreans and their keen sense of what others think of them.  It permeates their society, and caring about what others think is a cornerstone of their collectivist society.  We should be careful to not consider that this is necessarily a bad practice, though it can have unintended negative consequences: an overarching beauty ideal that leads to the highest percentage of cosmetic surgery in the world (with the top ranking US and Brazil both just over 1.2% and 1.4% of their populations respectively, while Korea is closer to 2.2%); very high stress-related issues among students and workers (drinking, depression, lack of bonding time with family and friends); and even suicidal thoughts among some teens who are not admitted into top tier universities.  At the same time, however, there is a sense of rootedness with this kind of community awareness.  You know your people, and you know that people will still take care of you, even if they judge you from time-to-time.

The first month I lived in China, I got sick – a terrible cold that just would not go away.  One morning, after I had called in sick to the school where I worked, I heard banging on my apartment door.  I shuffled to the door with my comforter wrapped around me, and the next thing I knew, there were 4 older Chinese ladies moving through my apartment.  They stripped my bed, beat my pillows, opened the curtains, looked in my fridge, and then put a pot of Chinese medicine on my gas burner.  Although it seemed a bit like the Normandy Invasion, and I could not understand a single word any of them said, I realized that this was a side effect of me being part of their community – they heard I was ill and wanted to take care of me. 

On the flip side, after I was better, I realized that everything I did was noticed by everyone in the school and the girls’ dorm area where my apartment was.  Guards marked my comings and goings for a weekly report to the principal; the dorm mom would tell others if I went for a walk in the sun during the lunchtime “rest” period, which led to people telling me about the evils of the sun; and after sharing with one person the price of a futon that I bought, suddenly everyone started to ask how much money I made.  But I’ll tell you what – I sure kept my fridge clean and did my laundry when everyone could see it to avoid another home invasion.

Caring to some extent about what others think can be a powerful motivator and provide deeper ties to one’s community.  Just don’t let it scare you into discarding a bagged-up Christmas tree like it’s a dead body you are trying to get rid of!

How to Know When No Means No

After an illuminating conversation with a couple of my colleagues about the appropriateness/inappropriateness of the 1940s song, “Baby, it’s Cold Outside,” and the language usage of the time, I realized that I could draw parallels with some of the Asian cultures I’ve experienced and how they say ‘no.’

When examining the lyrics of the song, and the decade in which it was written, it could be argued that [her] protests were simply voiced as good etiquette of a polite woman of the time.  The same goes for the Chinese and their culture of appropriate rejection.  In China, it is customary to decline offers three times before accepting – a ritual refusal.  This goes for something as simple as a cup of tea that is offered in a Chinese friend’s home or for larger invitations to important events.  This type of behavior shows the receiver’s humility and modesty – and it is an important part of social etiquette.  I was allowed a bit of a foreigner license when I lived there and was not (at least to my knowledge) considered rude when I accepted things immediately.  And before I became aware of this expectation, I’m sure I left several of my guests thirsty or left out when I made an offer that was politely refused once.

These ritual refusals should not be confused with the more substantive refusals.  When working with Chinese either in your own country or in China, it is important to understand the often watered down ‘no’ that may be delivered politely when doing business.  Chinese tend to not be as blunt as Americans, and this can lead to confusion in negotiations or in workplace settings where both cultures are represented.  In many cases, you can recognize a polite, but substantive, refusal by whether or not you feel unsure at the end of the conversation.  This is a typical practice to allow the asker to “save face” (avoid humiliation and preserve reputation) by not directly being denied.  Sometimes a gentle alternative will be offered, or sometimes a nebulous excuse will be used to end the request.

My advice when doing business across borders?  If you are not sure, ask someone who is with you for some clarification – a translator or near equal peer.  You don’t want to put the big boss on the spot, but you also need to understand the underlying meaning in business negotiations.

I will end this on a slightly unrelated note:  My officemate (a Chinese who has lived in the US for 25 years) just shared a funny story that illustrates the hidden meaning that can lurk in a seemingly polite offer.  Several of his visiting Chinese students invited him to come for dinner.  He politely declined, thinking that they were feeling obligated to invite him to a meal.  They offered again, and he still declined.  The next text he received from them (a few hours later) indicated that their rice cooker was broken, and they needed a new one.  It is highly likely that they did not directly want to ask for a new cooker, but had my officemate accepted the offer, they would have mentioned off-handedly that they would eat noodles instead of rice – since their cooker was broken.

Reverse Culture Shock Can Be Shocking

When I moved back from spending 2 and a half years living in China, my mom took me to the grocery store to grab some things I had been craving.  I wandered to the yogurt section, and stood there in awe of the vast number of choices facing me, and I promptly burst into tears.  Out of all of those choices, they didn’t have the kind of yogurt I wanted – the kind that I had in China.

This may seem trivial (and, yes, it is a bit funny), but that was a small manifestation of the overwhelming feelings I was experiencing being back in the US.  A lot of people talk about the stages of culture shock and acculturation when going/living abroad, but the return can be full of just as many ups and downs.

Here are some of my personal tips for dealing with reverse culture shock upon re-entry to your home culture:

• Recognize that there will be an adjustment period – you are not simply injecting yourself back into your “old” life.  While you were away, life kept going, and some things may have changed.

• Be selective when telling stories about your experience abroad.  People will be interested and ask you about it, so find ways to tell brief stories here and there, without dominating every conversation with “When I was in…”

• Catch up with those around you.  Take interest in their lives and what’s been happening since you’ve been gone.  It may seem like you’ve grown apart from some of your friends, but that’s mostly due to lack of shared experiences.  Mutual conversation and active interest go a long way in helping you reconnect.

• Journal – just as journaling can be a powerful tool while you are abroad, it can also be an effective tool to deal with re-entry adjustments.  Along with writing in a journal, simply re-reading entries from your experiences can help keep you connected to the culture you have recently left.

• If possible, find a way to volunteer or get involved with community members from wherever you spent time. 

• Put together a slide show or video about your time away that you can share on social media or even at a welcome home party.  If you select highlights carefully and narrate it succinctly, this can be a great way to help your friends and family have a frame of reference for what you saw and felt.  Go one step further and cook foods from the places you were and invite people for food and stories.

• Find others who have lived abroad or traveled extensively.  People with common experiences can be a great network!  Besides, anyone who travels loves to tell their own stories, and you will find that fellow travelers understand the need to share.

• Finally, be kind to yourself and remember that it will take time.  You very likely did change while you were away, but that only enhances the person you were before you left.  

The Top 3 Life Lessons I Learned from My First Backpacking Trip

My parents lived in Malaysia while I was in college, and after graduation, I stayed with them for about six months.  A couple of American and Australian friends, Cathy and Ray, invited me to join them on a backpacking trip they were planning in Thailand.  I only had a few weeks left in Malaysia, so I decided to do an abbreviated version of the trip to get my feet wet and see if I enjoyed the backpacking way of travel.  I found that I very much enjoyed backpacking, but I also had a lot to learn!

Cathy and Ray

·        Don’t fall asleep on the ferry

After a couple of weeks of the 3 of us traveling together, the day came when we were to go our separate ways. I had been having a blast – Ray and Cathy had taken care of me, and although I was sad to get on the ferry alone, I was ready to take on this challenge.  My plan was to find some other foreigners on the ferry from Phi Phi to Phuket (a 2-hour ride), figure out the good places to stay and how to get to the city center, and go from there – hopefully meeting up with my new friends for a beer after I got settled.  Unfortunately, after all of the fun Cathy, Ray, and I had been having, I promptly fell asleep on the ferry.  When I awoke a couple of hours later, we were at port.  On which side of Phuket I had NO idea; I had not met a single foreigner on the ferry; I had no map; I had no place to stay; I did not see a bus station; and at this point, it should go without saying, but I didn’t speak a word of Thai.

Lesson Learned:  Networking is critical to survival in this world, and in order to maximize your network, you actually need to MEET people.  Sleeping on the ferry will leave you high and dry.

"I guess I'm in Phuket..."

·        Know when $14 is a bargain

So I jumped in the back of a small pickup truck with some other foreigners heading to Phuket town.  They weren’t sure where they were staying, so that didn’t help me a lot.  After arriving at the little bus station in town, I jumped on a bus that had a route along the coast in an area with small hotels and huts near the beach.  I was feeling pretty good about myself, and things were looking up.  So I got off after I saw a couple of hotels pop up, and I went to inquire about a room.  Keep in mind that I had been paying less than USD$5/night on the small islands of Koh Phi Phi and Koh Lanta, so when I heard the initial price of $14 for a room for the night, I wasn’t worried – they were just used to bargaining with more tourists.  But there was no bargaining.  That was a firm price, and he laughed at me when I told him I was going to find something a little less spendy.  There was a reason he laughed.  The per night prices just kept getting more and more expensive as I found my way up the road, and I finally ended up back at that same small place, feeling a bit ashamed as I asked if there was still a room for the night…

Lesson Learned:  A certain amount of research can aid in trusting others.  If I had any inkling that the prices were higher on Phuket Island than the other islands, I would have trusted the gentleman instead of assuming he was trying to rip me off.  We all know what happens when we ASS-U-ME too much.

One of our $5/night huts

·       Watch out for drivers named “Lucky”

After I got my bearings, purchased a map of Phuket, and laid out a plan (see, I’m already learning lessons!), I went about finding a driver to take me to my most desired location – the Gibbon Rehabilitation Project.  I met a man who called himself Lucky, in honor of Lucky Strikes, and I genuinely liked and trusted him after we talked for a while, so we worked out details for a trip the next day.  As we set off, with me in the back of the tuk tuk truck, he made a stop and picked up another man who got in front.  I remembered being told to never travel with more than one local for safety reasons, but I was too timid to speak up – I liked Lucky and had a good feeling about him, so I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.  Luckily (pun intended), there were no problems, and the trip was great – probably one of the most impressive projects I’ve ever seen in Thailand.  I did, however, mention this to him after the trip was over, and he apologized if I had felt nervous, but he reaffirmed it is smart to be cautious in situations like that, and that I should have spoken up.

Lesson Learned:  When unsure about something, speak up.  Make sure you are communicating from a point of genuine information-seeking as opposed to judgement, but it is important to honor your trepidation to avoid miscommunication or unnecessary risk.

Lucky and me after the Gibbon Rehabilitation Center

Culture at Work

When thinking about my international experiences abroad – whether it be living, working, or exploring – I realize that I have had some amazing learning moments, as well as some funny stories to share.  After a seminar from Jen Reeves and conversation with my amazing executive coach, Emily Schmidt, I have decided to put some of my words out there in cyberspace to see what happens.  Maybe you’ll learn, maybe you’ll laugh, or maybe you will comment and teach me something new. 

As I was drifting off to bed last night, I suddenly realized that “Culture at Work” was exactly how I want to describe these posts.  Many of my wisdoms have come through work situations, either in the US working with international students and scholars, or from when I lived and worked in China as an English teacher.  Culture touches each one of us in different degrees, but from the foods we eat to the jokes we tell to the friends we have, culture is all around us.  For me, culture really IS at work; I work in a university department that provides professional and academic training to Asian students and scholars, and our staff is approximately half Asian and half American.  But for each one of us, culture is at work in our lives whether we always know it or not.