How to Know When No Means No

After an illuminating conversation with a couple of my colleagues about the appropriateness/inappropriateness of the 1940s song, “Baby, it’s Cold Outside,” and the language usage of the time, I realized that I could draw parallels with some of the Asian cultures I’ve experienced and how they say ‘no.’

When examining the lyrics of the song, and the decade in which it was written, it could be argued that [her] protests were simply voiced as good etiquette of a polite woman of the time.  The same goes for the Chinese and their culture of appropriate rejection.  In China, it is customary to decline offers three times before accepting – a ritual refusal.  This goes for something as simple as a cup of tea that is offered in a Chinese friend’s home or for larger invitations to important events.  This type of behavior shows the receiver’s humility and modesty – and it is an important part of social etiquette.  I was allowed a bit of a foreigner license when I lived there and was not (at least to my knowledge) considered rude when I accepted things immediately.  And before I became aware of this expectation, I’m sure I left several of my guests thirsty or left out when I made an offer that was politely refused once.

These ritual refusals should not be confused with the more substantive refusals.  When working with Chinese either in your own country or in China, it is important to understand the often watered down ‘no’ that may be delivered politely when doing business.  Chinese tend to not be as blunt as Americans, and this can lead to confusion in negotiations or in workplace settings where both cultures are represented.  In many cases, you can recognize a polite, but substantive, refusal by whether or not you feel unsure at the end of the conversation.  This is a typical practice to allow the asker to “save face” (avoid humiliation and preserve reputation) by not directly being denied.  Sometimes a gentle alternative will be offered, or sometimes a nebulous excuse will be used to end the request.

My advice when doing business across borders?  If you are not sure, ask someone who is with you for some clarification – a translator or near equal peer.  You don’t want to put the big boss on the spot, but you also need to understand the underlying meaning in business negotiations.

I will end this on a slightly unrelated note:  My officemate (a Chinese who has lived in the US for 25 years) just shared a funny story that illustrates the hidden meaning that can lurk in a seemingly polite offer.  Several of his visiting Chinese students invited him to come for dinner.  He politely declined, thinking that they were feeling obligated to invite him to a meal.  They offered again, and he still declined.  The next text he received from them (a few hours later) indicated that their rice cooker was broken, and they needed a new one.  It is highly likely that they did not directly want to ask for a new cooker, but had my officemate accepted the offer, they would have mentioned off-handedly that they would eat noodles instead of rice – since their cooker was broken.